Spring

It’s no secret to those who know me well, that I adore spring. So unsurprisingly I have been full of enthusiasm lately. My mindset has shifted recently, things are changing. The grief cycle is ever turning in a small way, but I would say that I’m no longer trapped in it. I wear it like a ring on my finger, it’s no longer a noose around my neck.

It’s ok to have a shit day. Can we just say that together, loud and proud. I have stopped trying to push emotions down until they explode. That isn’t a healthy way to be. Emotions are there to be felt, to be recognised and let go. I found myself getting angry and snappy and knew it had to stop. I had to breakdown, let it out, walk it out and refresh. You can’t walk around carrying that weight and piling more angst on top. You will crumble.

Part of this change has been adding meditation back into my daily routine. Each time i feel the icy talons of anxiety clawing at my chest I take 3 minutes and refresh. Get some clarity and start anew. It’s been like a deep breath of fresh spring air.

If you want to start meditating I can fully recommend the calm app. There are many others that are free, but this is the best one i have used. You can do a trial initially before you buy it to see if it works for you. Another app I have used is Headspace which is worth a try.

I am loving working out and filling my body with good and healthy things. Sure I still have the odd treat, but it’s ok. You have to live your life and find balance. It’s easy when you have a reason that motivates you more than anything else. My why is this:

  • To be healthy
  • To carry a baby to term
  • To conceive again
  • To be there for my family
  • To love myself
  • To respect myself
  • To fit into my size 10 jeans – got to have one silly one too

Without a decent why, you will never reach your goals. You can follow whatever fad diet, lifestyle choice or exercise plan you want, but if you don’t have motivation, you are very likely to give up.

Through healthy change, I have started to see real progress in my fitness and eating plans. I am enjoying what I’m doing and I genuinely look forward to working out. When you feel great you want that to continue.

Positive mindset, positive life. That doesn’t mean you ignore the bad – quite the opposite – it means you tackle it face on, see it for what it is on its own. Don’t stack up every bad thing that’s ever happened to you as proof of why you should suffer, that helps no one and isn’t realistic. Surround yourself with people who care and check in, this goes both ways. I am so lucky that I have wonderful people around me. We check in with each other, give support or space, as well as a firm talking to if one of us needs it.

You need people who are your safe place. Those who you can be hysterical with, say all the dark and twisty things to, and know that they know you are ranting. They will let you get it out and then give you a hug and not judge. Sometimes you need to get the words out of your head so they can’t fester. No I don’t believe ‘I’m never going to have another baby’, but in that moment I needed to say it out loud. My friends let me say that and more, they didn’t pity me, (no crying emojis, my pet hate) just kind and sane words after I’m done. Find your safe places, hold them close and be theirs in return.

Plant some seeds, get your hands dirty. It’s important to reconnect with the earth and take a few quiet minutes to reflect. Can you be kinder? Is a friend struggling? Could you reach out? Are you being fair? We can all benefit from a little mindfulness. Try slowing down, put down the phone and just breathe.

– Allana x

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Passing time

Time is moved by forward and life goes on. We have found a kind of new normal. I keep expecting to go back to how I was or wake up a new version of myself, but it’s a slow process. I’ll never be who I was before. I have lost a little more of my sparkle. I’m much less tolerant of people. I used to make an effort with everyone, even when they were pretty shit friends. I don’t now. I give exactly enough to most and more to those I love and value. I don’t think that’s a bad thing though. I just know that life is too short and precious to waste on any one or thing that doesn’t deserve or appreciate it. I have found that I do have a great deal of wonderful people around me. I’m very lucky in that respect.

We still haven’t had Jacks pm back yet. It’s hard. We cannot move forward without that. It’s like the last part of this. It’s keeping me in this limbo between the old me and the me I’m becoming. Fingers crossed that it will only be a few more weeks!

Taking each day as it comes. The sad times are starting to be outweighed by the good. Life is slowly moving on. I know we will find a new normal. One that is enriched by our memories of Jack.

– Allana x

Rainy days are ok

It’s a horrible day, all moody and grey but I’m doing ok.

Having days that are ok are ok. I’m not always sad, I have sadness. I am a mother with empty arms but a full heart for my baby. He’s that little twinkle in my eye that I carry with me always.

I started my Your Contour 12 week program yesterday. I did really well. It was leg day and I managed to complete my workout. I was slow and it hurt, but I did it. Don’t get me wrong, my arse is aching like crazy today but I feel better. I can do this. I’ll post before and after pictures at the end. For my own sanity I’m not talking weight etc, just that I have a lot to lose. I need to be healthy and strong when we try again. It’s key to ensuring we have a better pregnancy and more of a chance for bringing our baby home this time. That purpose is the driver in this.

So after my breakfast goes down I’m going to do my upper body workout and get on with my day. I’m not stopping. I’m not self sabotaging. This is too important.

Even on the grey days you have to keep moving forward. Don’t stop and don’t give up. You can do this and so can I.

– Allana x