Wedding!

So we did it! We got married!

It was a perfect day for us. We had so many amazing people help to ensure it was everything we hoped for and more. Especially our parents, my brother and his fiancé, the bridesmaids and best men and Karen and John. We couldn’t have done it without you guys in particular. There are many others who helped us too though!!

The main thing that we wanted was for Jack to be present for us. We didn’t necessarily want it to be obvious to everyone but just so we knew. We had butterflies all over the place, his name is on our wedding rings, a collection box for our NICU fund and flowers for him. We raised £320 to add to his fund ❤️

It was a beautiful day for us and everyone made it so special. We had been really focusing on the day and it was therapy for us to plan for it and keep busy. It wasn’t just a wedding but a renewal of us, a sign that we made it.

Annoyingly we had a very small amount of drama right at the end and a few people who let us down last minute (and didn’t let us know). Frustratingly these people haven’t apologised and didn’t contact us at all. However, it’s a simple way to handle these things, these people are no longer part of our lives. Nothing can ruin our day and spoil what we have. We are so strong and so very thankful for the vast majority who made it incredible.

Our next route is to keep moving forward and healing. It’s still hard and it’s always going to be at times, but we have each other and so many incredible friends and family around us. We will be ok.

– Allana X

Post Mortem

Today is a day that we have been both anxiously waiting for and dreading since we lost Jack. We were keen to get this last part of the medical side completed but so scared at what might show up. What if we did some thing wrong? What if the hospital did? I dreaded having another wave of pain ahead of us. We both knew that wasn’t the case, but as with all things your mind runs away with itself and concocts all of these horrific things.

What we found out was that Jack had pneumonia covering all of his lungs, his lungs were severely damaged. He had no chance of pulling through it. His tiny underdeveloped lungs were also damaged by the ventilator tube, which is also where the infection came from in all likelihood. By the time his lung collapsed he had no possible way of fighting it or inflating it. The drugs he was on (one of which had been an antibiotic that fights this usually) had no impact and his micro-premmie body couldn’t go on. Our choice to let him go wasn’t just right, but also meant he didn’t suffer.

Yet again Southampton NICU staff showed love and compassion. They are so incredible and really deserve a lot more credit than they get. Please donate if you haven’t yet, we are going to take all the money raised in on Jacks 1st birthday on 12th December.

Its so hard. On the one hand you have this relief that, yes you did the right thing, but on the other the sadness at how sick our little one was. We wish he could have had happy and fun life, not one filled with tests and beeps. But we did the best we could with what we had. We showed him as much love and care as we could and that’s all any parent can do. We hope that he’s happy and playing up there in Summerland, with no pain, no wires and no sadness. We will see you again one day little one.

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