Passing time

Time is moved by forward and life goes on. We have found a kind of new normal. I keep expecting to go back to how I was or wake up a new version of myself, but it’s a slow process. I’ll never be who I was before. I have lost a little more of my sparkle. I’m much less tolerant of people. I used to make an effort with everyone, even when they were pretty shit friends. I don’t now. I give exactly enough to most and more to those I love and value. I don’t think that’s a bad thing though. I just know that life is too short and precious to waste on any one or thing that doesn’t deserve or appreciate it. I have found that I do have a great deal of wonderful people around me. I’m very lucky in that respect.

We still haven’t had Jacks pm back yet. It’s hard. We cannot move forward without that. It’s like the last part of this. It’s keeping me in this limbo between the old me and the me I’m becoming. Fingers crossed that it will only be a few more weeks!

Taking each day as it comes. The sad times are starting to be outweighed by the good. Life is slowly moving on. I know we will find a new normal. One that is enriched by our memories of Jack.

– Allana x

Warm day, warm heart

I’m currently sat next to my boy. It’s such a beautiful day. I haven’t been here since the funeral. I have been putting it off. I wanted to come here awhile ago but it’s hard. That makes you feel guilty as a mother but I guess I needed time. Today felt right.

Sitting here it’s so peaceful and perfect a place. He has the most beautiful view. His great grandparents are here with him too which brings me huge comfort.

It really is a very special place. It’s so close to Mark and I too which is very important for us.

His flowers are still alive and there are a few bumblebees buzzing around on them. It reminds me that there is a circle to life. Everything that lives will die, but from that new live will always come. As a person who’s beliefs fall more into the pagan realms I find that comforting. It’s so in nature here. There are birds all around me making noise, the sun is beating down, there’s bees and other insects milling about. As there has to be a resting place for our baby, I’m glad it’s here.

– Allana x