Now

So it’s been an age since my last update. That’s mostly due to life getting in the way but also a result of me not being sure whether I could keep doing this blog.

It’s been a comfort to me, somewhere I could write what happened, at times vent my anger. Recently though it’s felt like a shrine. Like a grave. I have struggled with that as i don’t have that need to prove Jack existed anymore. I know he did.

I have moved forward and back. It’s a given that I miss him. It’s how it is. I just cannot dwell on it. I’m so sick of everything being a constant reminder of it in the negative. I need to, no, I have to move forward. Not just to heal but to have a happy life.

No one tells you about the after. When you’re in this limbo period that follows the first year. The sudden stretch of minutes, hours, days and years, all looming ahead. You crumble. The last month has felt hellish at times, isolated and not quite real. But I have come to realise that in order to live, to survive I have to put one foot tentatively out into the unknown and let myself fall or fly.

Health comes from finding some inner peace. Ridding yourself of conflict and negative positivity. It is ok to be sad, even if it makes others uncomfortable. Anger is natural, feel it. Happiness doesn’t need to be followed by guilt, let yourself smile.

There was one morning where I woke up and the sun was bright, I could hear nature outside and this huge wave of calm washed over me. I didn’t recognise it at first but I felt so happy and just optimistic. There was a familiar sense of completeness that I hadn’t felt in so long. I am ok.

Going back to the gym and reuniting with the great friends I have made there has been healing for me. I forgot that I had this whole world I used to love. Focusing on that and getting a routine is getting me back on track.

Some harsh truths from those closest to me have really opened my eyes over the last day or so. I have been stagnating. Going backwards. I can’t do that. It’s good to reset and step back and really look at yourself. Only you can change you. No one else.

Things are moving, not always in an upwards line, my steps often falter, but I’m not giving up. And right now, that’s a small victory.

– Allana x

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Passing time

Time is moved by forward and life goes on. We have found a kind of new normal. I keep expecting to go back to how I was or wake up a new version of myself, but it’s a slow process. I’ll never be who I was before. I have lost a little more of my sparkle. I’m much less tolerant of people. I used to make an effort with everyone, even when they were pretty shit friends. I don’t now. I give exactly enough to most and more to those I love and value. I don’t think that’s a bad thing though. I just know that life is too short and precious to waste on any one or thing that doesn’t deserve or appreciate it. I have found that I do have a great deal of wonderful people around me. I’m very lucky in that respect.

We still haven’t had Jacks pm back yet. It’s hard. We cannot move forward without that. It’s like the last part of this. It’s keeping me in this limbo between the old me and the me I’m becoming. Fingers crossed that it will only be a few more weeks!

Taking each day as it comes. The sad times are starting to be outweighed by the good. Life is slowly moving on. I know we will find a new normal. One that is enriched by our memories of Jack.

– Allana x

Rainy days are ok

It’s a horrible day, all moody and grey but I’m doing ok.

Having days that are ok are ok. I’m not always sad, I have sadness. I am a mother with empty arms but a full heart for my baby. He’s that little twinkle in my eye that I carry with me always.

I started my Your Contour 12 week program yesterday. I did really well. It was leg day and I managed to complete my workout. I was slow and it hurt, but I did it. Don’t get me wrong, my arse is aching like crazy today but I feel better. I can do this. I’ll post before and after pictures at the end. For my own sanity I’m not talking weight etc, just that I have a lot to lose. I need to be healthy and strong when we try again. It’s key to ensuring we have a better pregnancy and more of a chance for bringing our baby home this time. That purpose is the driver in this.

So after my breakfast goes down I’m going to do my upper body workout and get on with my day. I’m not stopping. I’m not self sabotaging. This is too important.

Even on the grey days you have to keep moving forward. Don’t stop and don’t give up. You can do this and so can I.

– Allana x