One day at a time

So it’s been awhile since I’ve posted. Over the last 2 months I have been taking time to focus on myself, going to therapy once a week and getting physically healthy too.

Therapy isn’t without it’s ups and downs. I have found that the hardest and most difficult times are the ones that make all the difference. Finding what feels uncomfortable and unravelling those emotions is progressing. There have been lots of unexpected realisations, a big one being that I felt I let Jack down. Not just by my body not keeping him safe, but by losing hope in the end. This was a surprise to me as in my front brain (what I call the conscious brain) I didn’t and don’t feel that way. That said, it’s always the “what ifs” that play on your mind.

Letting go of my need to comfort and be there for others is a personality trait that I struggle with. It’s how I am, but in being people’s rock and staying strong I have neglected myself. Being able to throw my hands up and say “I’m struggling, I’m angry, I’m heartbroken” is ok. Telling people to go elsewhere for comfort, is ok. Finally knocking down my walls and just being sad/angry/hurt/broken has been a great move forward. It hasn’t been easy for those close to me to handle sometimes, I never realised how much of a resolve I have. How I’ll fight kicking and screaming before I’ll shed a tear and “cause a scene”. Realising that the world will keep turning and that no one expects me to be ok and so strong as I have been is liberating.

I’m still very much a work in progress but I feel more and more like my old self. I feel that fight and need to keep going returning. I’m not quite at a run yet, but I’m definitely at a slow jog.

– Allana x

P.S. I will be doing some fundraising for baby loss awareness month this October. Please feel free to share my JustGiving link or if you have friends who need t-shirts, hoodies or baby grows visit my shop (www.shop4tshirts.co.uk) and 10% will be donated.

Passing time

Time is moved by forward and life goes on. We have found a kind of new normal. I keep expecting to go back to how I was or wake up a new version of myself, but it’s a slow process. I’ll never be who I was before. I have lost a little more of my sparkle. I’m much less tolerant of people. I used to make an effort with everyone, even when they were pretty shit friends. I don’t now. I give exactly enough to most and more to those I love and value. I don’t think that’s a bad thing though. I just know that life is too short and precious to waste on any one or thing that doesn’t deserve or appreciate it. I have found that I do have a great deal of wonderful people around me. I’m very lucky in that respect.

We still haven’t had Jacks pm back yet. It’s hard. We cannot move forward without that. It’s like the last part of this. It’s keeping me in this limbo between the old me and the me I’m becoming. Fingers crossed that it will only be a few more weeks!

Taking each day as it comes. The sad times are starting to be outweighed by the good. Life is slowly moving on. I know we will find a new normal. One that is enriched by our memories of Jack.

– Allana x

Due date.

Today is Jack’s due date.

Seems crazy that our beautiful boy was born, lived for 3 weeks and died all before today. The last few months have been so hard after losing him. The thing is though, as painful as this feels, I would do it over again in a heartbeat if it meant I got to spend time with him again.

To Jack: Can’t believe today is your due date my beautiful boy. Miss you every second Jack ❤️

I hope you are being looked after up there in Neverland. Know that mummy and daddy love you so much. We are so proud of you always. The short 3 weeks that we spent with you were the happiest of our lives. We would do it all over again if it meant having those moments again.

I miss your long legs, just like your dads. I miss you giving us the thumbs up. I miss you putting your middle finger up and swearing at the nurses. I miss you seeing over the incubator. I miss changing your tiny nappy. I miss daddy doing your tube feeds. I miss holding you. I miss your smell. I miss you.

❤️🌟💫👼

March

March is a hard month.

  • Jacks due date on 19th
  • We should get the post mortem back this month
  • Mothers day
  • It’s another month further away from him

Grief is hard. Its not a downward slope but a stormy sea of ups and downs. Some days i am ok, others i almost feel myself, today i feel loss and sadness. As i have said before its ok to just be ok and it is also perfectly ok to be a mess. There is no time limit on how long it takes. One thing i am very grateful for, is how everyone seems to be giving us time. I keep panicking and thinking ill have to go back to normal life too soon and no one is expecting that from us.

Having a wedding to plan for is helping a bit but its just distractions. I keep thinking how i should either still be pregnant or be caring for my newborn right now. It’s hard seeing so many people around me pregnant. I think i have over 6 friends expecting right now and it does hurt. It’s hard to explain how seeing them and hearing about it isn’t what hurts. It’s when people hide it from us or distance from us that hurts.

One thing i will strongly say to all is, if you know someone who has lost someone close, reach out. Don’t ignore them or hide away. We actually had someone purposely leave a friends house early so they didn’t have to see us at the beginning of this, that crushed us both. The vast majority of people we know have been incredible. Even a “how are you?” every now and again. We may not always reply or reply quickly but know that just seeing that message helps. Its been hard to realise that some people just aren’t that close to us as we first thought, but going through this kind of thing does expose who the ones that matter and care are. The wonderful thing is reconnecting with people, we have amazing people in our lives. We see that very clearly now. We love each and every one of you all. Your kindness and love has really touched us.

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