My Advice

The weeks following Jacks death were a blur of emotions. Anger, tears, exhaustion, disbelief, shock, searing pain, silence and a thousand other things i cannot describe. Mark and I miss our boy. He will forever be our firstborn, he will never be replaced. We have an area at home with his things, his pictures are on our walls, we talk about him. We will never shut him away in a box, he is our son and always will be. I find having a place to remember him so important. Even if it’s just a teddy or candle, it’s a place for you to remember your child.

If you are reading this as a friend or family member to someone who has lost a child, please allow them to talk about them, if they want to. Do not tell them things like “you can try again” or “at least you have other kids” (if they do). One of the most scary things to a parent who has lost a child is them being forgotten. Its 100% normal, natural and right for a parent to celebrate that beautiful life, whether miscarriage, stillborn, SIDs, premature death or a death later in the child’s life, its the same. You grieve, you love and you remember. That never goes away.

If you are a parent who has just lost your baby, firstly know your are stronger than you think. You feel broken, numb, angry, confused, lost, detached, depressed, afraid, but also a yearning. Your arms ache for your baby. You have to face the nursery. Maybe you have cards to go through, gifts for a baby that will never touch them. You have precious few memories, maybe you have none. You remember the scent of your baby, you remember their touch. You may never have met your baby but you knew it was there. Your baby did exist and it was alive, no matter how short a time. You will always be a parent to your baby, always.

Join some support groups on Facebook, there are so many. They provide a safe place for you to post how you feel. You can talk about your baby with people who really understand. You can post the photos of your baby that others wouldn’t understand or may even tell you, you shouldn’t post. Many I am part of will post a happy birthday post every year for you and your baby. They let you celebrate them like any other parent would. You can share your feelings and get great advice on coping. They also can help you with the questions you will inevitably have on trying again, what tests to ask for, how long to wait, how can i do this again? Will i ever have a baby? I have asked these questions many times. Its the questions that others may not understand or rather will give you a generic answer, you want the views of people who have been there, you want real facts and advice. Obviously you should talk to your GP and bereavement midwife before doing anything but it helps.