Post Mortem

Today is a day that we have been both anxiously waiting for and dreading since we lost Jack. We were keen to get this last part of the medical side completed but so scared at what might show up. What if we did some thing wrong? What if the hospital did? I dreaded having another wave of pain ahead of us. We both knew that wasn’t the case, but as with all things your mind runs away with itself and concocts all of these horrific things.

What we found out was that Jack had pneumonia covering all of his lungs, his lungs were severely damaged. He had no chance of pulling through it. His tiny underdeveloped lungs were also damaged by the ventilator tube, which is also where the infection came from in all likelihood. By the time his lung collapsed he had no possible way of fighting it or inflating it. The drugs he was on (one of which had been an antibiotic that fights this usually) had no impact and his micro-premmie body couldn’t go on. Our choice to let him go wasn’t just right, but also meant he didn’t suffer.

Yet again Southampton NICU staff showed love and compassion. They are so incredible and really deserve a lot more credit than they get. Please donate if you haven’t yet, we are going to take all the money raised in on Jacks 1st birthday on 12th December.

Its so hard. On the one hand you have this relief that, yes you did the right thing, but on the other the sadness at how sick our little one was. We wish he could have had happy and fun life, not one filled with tests and beeps. But we did the best we could with what we had. We showed him as much love and care as we could and that’s all any parent can do. We hope that he’s happy and playing up there in Summerland, with no pain, no wires and no sadness. We will see you again one day little one.

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Just a quick reminder

Self improvement is an ongoing thing. Always reaching to be the best version of yourself shouldn’t be a stretch. You deserve to be happy, Free, calm and successful. Remember though that success isn’t measured by what you have or what you’re worth. It’s in happiness and your own sense of well-being.

I choose to move forward in my life. I confront my issues face on and deal with them. It’s not weak to talk about your problems, weakness is burying them. Never having the balls to actually deal with anything is weak. You have to confront things to be able to move forward. It’s not about forgetting it’s about confronting the problem and neutralising it. Not letting it have power over you.

A few things I do when things get too much:

  • Meditate – it’s incredible I encourage everyone to do this
  • Walk – being in nature and getting some peace is always healing
  • Cry – let it out, sometimes you need to release it
  • Talk about it – with a open minded person who is good at providing a healthy perspective. There are lots of helplines and charities you can call.
  • Garden – I find doing jobs like this allow me to think

Lastly, this is something we all need to remember:

– Allana x

Giving Back

It’s been a little while since i promoted this but we are still wanting to raise money to give back to Southampton Hospital and NICU. We will be splitting the money between 2 charities, these are:

Southampton Children’s Hospital Charity – https://schcharity.org.uk/

Holding Little Hands – https://www.facebook.com/HoldingLittleHands/

Both of these charities directly help to save the lives of children and baby’s everyday. They give money to all aspects of child and baby care. This means that the incredible people on the front line can continue to provide the outstanding care that they do. Not only that but it means they can keep giving the kind and respectful end of life care that baby’s  like our Jack received. They are not only medical professionals but they are counsellors and some of the kindest people i have ever met.

Even the smallest amount will add up to something wonderful. Please share and donate if you haven’t already.

https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/jack-tigwell

– Allana x

Mindfulness

I try to live this everyday. By choosing to have a open and positive mindset I am able to grieve fully. I’m not rushing or dragging it out. My head, body and mind are just open to how I need to and do feel. I refuse to be consumed by grief or push it away. Neither are productive or things that I think Jack would want.

So we still haven’t had the post mortem results yet. It’s hard waiting as I want to shut that door of unknown. I know why he died but we need to know why he came early. It’s hard having that unanswered. I know we may not get one but at least I can deal with that once it’s done.

We had a lovely letter from Southampton Hospital thanking us for the donations from Jack’s funeral. In it they also included a pack of forget me nots. I’m not sure why but I have had a real connection with these flowers and see them everywhere. Seeing the packet brought tears to my eyes. Not sad ones but just raw emotion. It was unexpected and really touching.

We still have our JustGiving open but it’s not where I want it to be. I’ll have to start pushing it again. I really hope we can reach £5k by Jack’s 1st birthday in Neverland. That would be so wonderful.

Not long now until the wedding! 3 months and 2 days to go. ❤️

– Allana x

Passing time

Time is moved by forward and life goes on. We have found a kind of new normal. I keep expecting to go back to how I was or wake up a new version of myself, but it’s a slow process. I’ll never be who I was before. I have lost a little more of my sparkle. I’m much less tolerant of people. I used to make an effort with everyone, even when they were pretty shit friends. I don’t now. I give exactly enough to most and more to those I love and value. I don’t think that’s a bad thing though. I just know that life is too short and precious to waste on any one or thing that doesn’t deserve or appreciate it. I have found that I do have a great deal of wonderful people around me. I’m very lucky in that respect.

We still haven’t had Jacks pm back yet. It’s hard. We cannot move forward without that. It’s like the last part of this. It’s keeping me in this limbo between the old me and the me I’m becoming. Fingers crossed that it will only be a few more weeks!

Taking each day as it comes. The sad times are starting to be outweighed by the good. Life is slowly moving on. I know we will find a new normal. One that is enriched by our memories of Jack.

– Allana x

Due date.

Today is Jack’s due date.

Seems crazy that our beautiful boy was born, lived for 3 weeks and died all before today. The last few months have been so hard after losing him. The thing is though, as painful as this feels, I would do it over again in a heartbeat if it meant I got to spend time with him again.

To Jack: Can’t believe today is your due date my beautiful boy. Miss you every second Jack ❤️

I hope you are being looked after up there in Neverland. Know that mummy and daddy love you so much. We are so proud of you always. The short 3 weeks that we spent with you were the happiest of our lives. We would do it all over again if it meant having those moments again.

I miss your long legs, just like your dads. I miss you giving us the thumbs up. I miss you putting your middle finger up and swearing at the nurses. I miss you seeing over the incubator. I miss changing your tiny nappy. I miss daddy doing your tube feeds. I miss holding you. I miss your smell. I miss you.

❤️🌟💫👼

Mother’s Day

Thinking of everyone not able to hold their little ones today. I know the heartbreak and pain you are feeling. I know how much it hurts seeing everyone post their gifts and cards from living children. Seeing the love and joy which should have been ours. Whether it’s your first empty armed Mother’s Day like me, or your 50th, know you are and always will be a mum. You are just as valid as any other mum this day.

Unconditional love and care is what makes a mum, not gifts or cuddles. It’s knowing you would do anything for your baby, even if it breaks your own heart.

We are angel mums and we are strong. We can get through this tough day and all others. Our angels are always looking down on us. Until we meet them again ❤️

Mummy loves you Jack, always xxx