Now

So it’s been an age since my last update. That’s mostly due to life getting in the way but also a result of me not being sure whether I could keep doing this blog.

It’s been a comfort to me, somewhere I could write what happened, at times vent my anger. Recently though it’s felt like a shrine. Like a grave. I have struggled with that as i don’t have that need to prove Jack existed anymore. I know he did.

I have moved forward and back. It’s a given that I miss him. It’s how it is. I just cannot dwell on it. I’m so sick of everything being a constant reminder of it in the negative. I need to, no, I have to move forward. Not just to heal but to have a happy life.

No one tells you about the after. When you’re in this limbo period that follows the first year. The sudden stretch of minutes, hours, days and years, all looming ahead. You crumble. The last month has felt hellish at times, isolated and not quite real. But I have come to realise that in order to live, to survive I have to put one foot tentatively out into the unknown and let myself fall or fly.

Health comes from finding some inner peace. Ridding yourself of conflict and negative positivity. It is ok to be sad, even if it makes others uncomfortable. Anger is natural, feel it. Happiness doesn’t need to be followed by guilt, let yourself smile.

There was one morning where I woke up and the sun was bright, I could hear nature outside and this huge wave of calm washed over me. I didn’t recognise it at first but I felt so happy and just optimistic. There was a familiar sense of completeness that I hadn’t felt in so long. I am ok.

Going back to the gym and reuniting with the great friends I have made there has been healing for me. I forgot that I had this whole world I used to love. Focusing on that and getting a routine is getting me back on track.

Some harsh truths from those closest to me have really opened my eyes over the last day or so. I have been stagnating. Going backwards. I can’t do that. It’s good to reset and step back and really look at yourself. Only you can change you. No one else.

Things are moving, not always in an upwards line, my steps often falter, but I’m not giving up. And right now, that’s a small victory.

– Allana x

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