Today is a day that we have been both anxiously waiting for and dreading since we lost Jack. We were keen to get this last part of the medical side completed but so scared at what might show up. What if we did some thing wrong? What if the hospital did? I dreaded having another wave of pain ahead of us. We both knew that wasn’t the case, but as with all things your mind runs away with itself and concocts all of these horrific things.
What we found out was that Jack had pneumonia covering all of his lungs, his lungs were severely damaged. He had no chance of pulling through it. His tiny underdeveloped lungs were also damaged by the ventilator tube, which is also where the infection came from in all likelihood. By the time his lung collapsed he had no possible way of fighting it or inflating it. The drugs he was on (one of which had been an antibiotic that fights this usually) had no impact and his micro-premmie body couldn’t go on. Our choice to let him go wasn’t just right, but also meant he didn’t suffer.
Yet again Southampton NICU staff showed love and compassion. They are so incredible and really deserve a lot more credit than they get. Please donate if you haven’t yet, we are going to take all the money raised in on Jacks 1st birthday on 12th December.
Its so hard. On the one hand you have this relief that, yes you did the right thing, but on the other the sadness at how sick our little one was. We wish he could have had happy and fun life, not one filled with tests and beeps. But we did the best we could with what we had. We showed him as much love and care as we could and that’s all any parent can do. We hope that he’s happy and playing up there in Summerland, with no pain, no wires and no sadness. We will see you again one day little one.