That’s what everyone says. I hear it so much right now. I hear a lot of anecdotes and sayings now. It’s all meant in a loving way but sometimes all you want to say is “this is shit”. Because it is. It’s really shit.
You have all that excitement of deciding to have a baby. You realise you are finally 100% ready. You want a little one, your arms ache for one, you yearn for an expanding tummy and to feel that first kick. Then you see the little blue cross, read 3-4 weeks on the clear blue stick and you are beyond happy. It’s magical. You are making a baby together.
You have the appointments and tests, you meet your midwife, you have sickness (I had a lot with HG) but you are pregnant and that’s everything. It’s wonderful as a mother to know you are keeping this little one safe and warm, you are nurturing your baby and growing it. It’s such a pure feeling. You are together every second.
When that hope and love is ripped from you, whether you have a miscarriage, SIDs, premature death or any other cause, it devastates you. It tears your soul apart. You feel so lost. Everything is wrong. Everything seems so pointless, you purpose was to be a mother. You are adrift without purpose.
What people don’t think is that you still want children but you have to mourn this loss first. Saying things like “you can try again”, “you will be a mum” etc do not help. My biggest fear right now is people forgetting Jack. Talking to other mothers that is very common. Jack is my first child, he will always be my firstborn. When I have other children they will have an older brother Jack. I would hate for him to be shut away and forgotten. He’s special and wonderful and he deserves to be remembered. Mark and i have pictures of him around our house, my mum has photos of him too. We will always speak of him.
This time right now is so hard. We registered his birth and death in one day. We picked his coffin. We have had the funeral. But we still haven’t reached his due date yet. He was due 19th March 2018. We still haven’t received the post mortem results back yet. We still want to be parents and to do that I need to be healthy. I need to lose weight. We need to see what comes back from the pm, if anything. I need to have lots of tests to see what can be done to prevent this from happening again. So much to think about and do. We want to get pregnant again, but we have a lot to do first. We have our wedding in July and our early honeymoon in May to NYC. Marks online businesses are doing very well and i am helping him with that which helps to keep us both busy and together. Keeping busy is key as right now does feel like limbo. That’s the hardest thing right now. Its time we shouldn’t have. I should still be pregnant.
Take each day at a time.
– Allana X